One of the questions we’ve often been asked over the past couple of months is “What does Zinnia think about the adoption”? Frankly, we’ve been delighted and amazed by her perspectives. We’d like to believe that her compassion and insight are the direct result of our brilliant parenting. But truth be told – Zinnia’s reactions to the prospect of adoptive siblings are no surprise to those who know her well. She is by nature a very empathetic child, and we frequently find ourselves learning lessons from her about loving others. Here are highlights from several recent conversations we’ve had with her to give you a glimpse into the mind of our 4-year-old:
Breaking the news
Back in mid-July, Joel and I planned a particular day and time when we would sit down together with Zinnia to let her in on the news about the potential adoption. Prior to that planned conversation, we were very careful not to speak about any aspect of the adoption process within her earshot. Several HOURS prior to when we intended to share the news with Zinnia, she and Joel were sitting on our front stoop, eating hotdogs together and Zinnia asked,
“Daddy, how many kids are in our family”?
Here’s how the conversation played out:
J (with a perplexed look): Well, uh, let’s count. One.
Z: I don’t think that’s enough kids, Dad.
J: How many kids do you think is enough?
Z: Well, if there are other kids in the world who don’t have a mom or a dad, then I was thinking maybe they could be part of our family.
For real. That’s what our daughter said not long before we were intending to talk to her about the adoption. We were speechless. And of course, when we later that day told Zinnia about the prospect of adopting siblings, her face lit up the way it does when we tell her we’re going to get ice cream. And she believes our adoption plans are her idea.
Chapatis and stuffed animals
Several weeks later, Zinnia and Amy were getting dinner ready and Nia began this very insightful conversation about the adoption:
Z: Mom, will the kids we adopt from India like our food? I think kids in India might eat other food than we do.
A: I think you’re right. Kids in many other parts of the world eat foods that are different from ours, so they might not like some of the foods we usually eat.
Z: Even if they don’t like our food, will they have to try a bite like I do?
(she’s a typical, firstborn who is a rule-follower)
A: No. Not for a long time.
Z: Well, that’s not fair Mom.
A: I know it doesn’t seem fair. But how do you think you would feel if you moved all the way across the world without your parents to live with a new family you didn’t know?
Z: I would feel super sad and lonely. And I would cry a lot.
A: I think the kids we may adopt from India will probably feel that way, too until they get to know us and trust us. And if you were feeling very sad and your new family made you eat food you’ve never seen before that you may not like, then how do you think you’d feel?
Z: I would be really angry and scream.
A: Uh-huh. That’s why we’re not going to make them eat any food they don’t want to eat for a long time. Because if they’re already feeling sad, we want to try to help them feel better, not make them more upset.
Z: Well, then we can just eat lots of chapatis, Mom. And if they’re feeling sad, I’ll give them some of my special stuffed animals to help them feel better.
Brilliant ideas, Zinnia. Chapatis and stuffed animals. Needless to say, we were especially proud of Zinnia’s empathy in that conversation and Amy gave her a big hug afterward!
Thank you notes
Many of you know that we’ve been sending thank you notes to friends and family who have made a donation to our adoption. Now that Zinnia is able to write her name, we’ve wanted to help her learn more about expressing gratitude by having her also sign her name in the thank you cards.
Last week, when I (Amy) asked Zinnia to sign a thank you card – she dramatically said,
“I have to write my name AGAIN, mom”?!
I followed her comment with a reminder about how adoption services cost a lot of money and why it’s important to say thank you to our friends and family for being generous and giving some of their own money to help us. Zinnia was quiet and thoughtful for a moment and then enthusiastically replied,
“Well Mom, if we need more money for the adoption then you can have some of my monies. I have at least 11 monies saved and you can even have my dollar bills!”.
Oh, sweet little girl!
What made Zinnia’s generosity at the time even more precious to me is that she and I had just returned from the Dairy Queen where she spent some of her own money to get an ice cream treat. She loves ice cream and a DQ treat is a BIG DEAL in her world. I’m not sure Zinnia fully understood in that moment that offering to give her “monies” for the adoption meant she won’t be able to buy as many ice cream treats. But I felt overjoyed by her response, nevertheless.
Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if we listened to our children’s ideas more often and took our cues from them. It seems that even at 4 years old they can have remarkable moments of insight.